something beautiful.

MOVED.

2005-04-01T04:36:00.000-07:00

i have moved.
hOhO. please relink! =)

no we DONT suck.

2005-03-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

its totally scary when you see seniors starting to breakdown in front of you. i feel like a block of stone. im so not emotional, and my tears dont come out easily. i mean, not crying doesnt mean you're not sad/not bothered/not demoralised. i dont think crying really helps in any way. crying doesnt settle your problem. the thing now is to stand up and fight back, and show that we're not totally hopeless you know. we cant be defeated just because of something bad she says. fight back, people. where's your fighting spirit? yes, our morale is low now. especially when people start getting cut/people start crying/we start sounding bad. but whatever. to those who got cut, dont feel that bad about yourself ok! i mean, she wouldnt have cut you out if she really had a choice, its probably much more complicated than you know. dont lose your hope and confidence in yourself, and start questioning your abilities. let's all try our best, i mean, we have done it before and we can do it again. even if we do not get a gold, i mean at least you've tried your best - just that our best is not a silver and you know it.

what can i say.

2005-03-24T19:42:00.000-07:00

so its 2 weeks to syf. 2 weeks left with the mainstream sec 4s. 2 weeks. and it'll be all over. soon. and what will i look forward to after that? what will be the driving force of my life. gone. all gone. what's going to happen next? i dont know. what will i look forward to? i have no idea.

come to think of it so much has happened within the past 1 year and 1 term in choir. i cant describe it. but oh well. i guess a lot of us have matured and at least bonded, with people whom you never thought you would ever get to know, people who have come into your lives and touched them, made such a huge difference and impact on you, but before you know it they slowly fade away from your lives.

what's going to happen after all this? i dont know i really dont.

their lives have to go on, and so must ours.

life x(

2005-03-18T19:33:00.000-07:00

life is so unfair.

dont say when you leave. it just doesnt sound right. it doesnt. why is life such that you go round meeting different kinds of people who reach out to you and touch your lives, and they leave, almost as soon as they had come. before you even start to cherish it. before you even know, it slips away. and who knows, you may never get the chance to see or speak to the person again. you havent gone through alot together. but long enough for you to remember it a lifetime. that kind of thing. that feeling. of. that sense of loss and confusion.

and before you even know it. she's gone.

i dont know how you got this kind of trust in me. is that trust. i dont know. i have no idea how it formed. through all those misunderstandings and anger? or? i dont know. why is it us and not someone else. you do know that there are better people around. but since you did i'll try my best to prove you right. im not sure if i can, but i'll try. i can do it. i can.

yay or no yay.

2005-03-11T17:30:00.000-07:00

here's a quiz
clickhere!

ok. so we got into the nationals for om. is it a good thing or a bad thing. do we deserve it. actually no i dont think so. how many times we had so many quarrels and problems and everything and - its just that you dont really see it. but whatever. im seriously not interested in going to america for some stupid competition. like whatever! i dont care, this thing has been dragging on for so long. and i thought it would end soon. but NO. ahh when will you let me free?? i'll do what i can, but you know there isnt that kind of pushing force that drives me to work bcos i dont want to go! im not interested. seriously. if i wanted to go and if i had the money i would have gone to prague instead. but anyway. we wont be selected for nationals anyway. just go. so everything has to drag on. the time. the problems. the effort. the quarrels. and everything. maybe getting into the nationals isnt such a good thing after all.

bleaurgh.

so the camp is over. to sum it all up, i realised quite a lot of things. i know who will be there for me when i really need them and who wont. i mean seriously. hmm. thanks for lending me that tanktop (ok not rlly tankstop) but really i appreciate ur efforts. for borrowing it frm ur mortal. for letting me wear yours. *muacks* haha. are you grossed out noww. and thanks jiamin for cheering for us during talentime. we cheered for you too. but you didnt hear i tink. = and manymany others. so what you said is quite true. sometimes people really appreciate what you've done . just that they dont say it openly. hmm. =] so even though i dont tell you straight i rlly do appreciate you guys! and sry if i lost my temper or smth. some things just cant be explained.

reflection.

2005-03-04T18:36:00.000-07:00

i think its time i did some reflection. on my attitude. on things that i was supposed to do but didnt. and everything else. i think ive let myself down. everyone. i feel like ive been stabbed in the heart. and im bleeding...history is repeating itself. and im feeling the same way i did last year. and i thought i forgot the feeling. and i hoped it would never come back. but it did. oh well. i promised to do so much things for myself. but did i. no. so who can i blame? me and myself. my attitude sucks big time. if i say whatever i dont care its all a lie. ive been leaving in self-denial for so long. just accept it. i cant face up to all these. i dont know how i should be feeling now. sad? well i deserve it anyway. im so disappointed in myself. time and again ive promised myself. to work harder blahblah. just accept it. i dont have that self-discipline that a respected member of society is supposed to have.

the cold within

2005-03-03T18:08:00.000-07:00

the cold within.

Six humans trapped by happenstance
in dark and bitter cold
Each one possessed a stick of wood
or so the story's told.

Their dying fire in need of logs,
one woman held hers back,
for on the faces around the fire,
she saw that one was black.

The next man looking across the way
saw one not of his church,
and couldn't bring himself to give
the first his stick of birch.

The third one sat in tattered clothes
and gave his coat a hitch.
"Why should my log be used
to aid the idle rich?"

The rich man just sat back and thought
of the wealth he had in store
and how to keep what he had earned
from the lazy, shiftless poor.

The Black man's face bespoke revenge
as the fire passed from his sight
for all he saw in his stick of wood
was a chance to spite the white.

The last man in this forlorn group
did not give except for gain.
Giving only to those who gave
was how he played the game.

Six logs held tight in death's still hands
was proof of human sin.
They didn't die from the cold without
They died from the cold within.

told you i suck.

2005-03-01T14:28:00.000-07:00

i FAILED again.

it happens all the time doesnt it.

i told you i suck didnt i.
im tired of it.
really.

and there's a you. you have so many opinions about other people. too many. have you ever thought that you are not as perfect as you think of yourself to be? i control myself. as always. but if one day if i burst. i dont know what will happen. i dont know.

it feels like i have lesser to write each day.
it happens.
and i dont like to repeat myself.

i cant help it.

2005-02-27T13:04:00.000-07:00

i cant help it if im affected by everything.
i cant help it if you piss me off.
i cant help it if im not interested.
i cant help it if i cant paint well.
i cant help it if you choose to blame me.
i cant help it if im a failure.
i cant help it if i dont say anything.
i cant help it if im picky.
i cant help it if im not a good friend.
i cant help it if im not a good daughter.
i cant help it if im rude.
i cant help it if im feeling down.
i cant help it if i cry.
i cant help it if im useless.
i cant help it if im a failure.
i cant help it if i cant appreciate what you do for me.
i cant help it if i piss you off.
i cant help it if you're unhappy.
i cant help it if i have no time to do hw.
i cant help it if i fail.
i cant help it if i suck.
i cant help it if i waste your money.
i cant help it.
i cant even help myself.

you.

2005-02-20T21:32:00.000-07:00

dont you make me feel depressed all over again. bcos im not going to.

friends are so superficial. come to think of it how many of them are actually there when you really need their help. i dont know.

i need to be less sensitive cos im affected by every stir around me and its like i need to have a mind of my own. and why do i always feel like a subsitute for someone.

bleaurgh

2005-02-18T20:02:00.000-07:00

i didnt know our friendship was so fragile. i didnt know it could so easily crumble. i dont know what to do. but i dont think i can ever trust you again.

you know what i think you should know that some words cannot be taken back even after you say sorry. you have already hurt the person and no way will it heal. and thanks a whole bunch for dragging down my whole self-esteem. oh and i forgot to say thanks for helping me increase the speed of my breakdown. thank you very much.

you know im really thankful to those hugs i got today during choir when i cried =) but you know that feeling is really sucky and thanks i feel alot better now.

and can you stop calling me a bear. its not funny you know. there's a limit to my patience and im really getting irritated especially with you sitting beside me everyday calling me a bear 24/7. now i know how it feels. im never ever ever going to call you garfield again.

and like how come everything has to pick on me when im feeling so sick of everything. even ms word has to have some stupid problem. and im probably going to fail my history test too. and maths science and chinese.

and the only thing that i look forward to every week is choir. choir. choir. choir. but not now no. im not a good senior and junior and whatever but i dont like my juniors no. i dont feel like explaining why right noe but i just dont. period. maybe that's how seniors felt when we entered choir. im destined to be hated all my life. its sad when you cant find a nice shoulder to lean on. yup, that's how a failure i am.

and look. i did it but i didnt mean it ok. seriously and i wasnt exactly in a very good mood when i did that. sorry. so yar and if you think that's a lame excuse i dont really give a damn anyway. you know what. i think ive said sorry too many times. and it may seem that i dont mean it anymore but whatever. it's up to you to believe whether i mean it or not. i dont care so i dont see the point. i wished you understand. though quite obviously you wont.

so much has happened lately. too much. i cant even remember why im feeling sucky. but thank you for cheering me up =)

do you know that there's been loads of times i though i was going to cry but i didnt you know. i didnt. i tried to be strong. but there's just too much for me to bear. i cant help it you know. i keep pretending to smile and be strong and you think i am. im not that strong you know. and like stress and everything. haha laugh at me all you want for feeling stressful in sec 2. and my mum's sick. and my brother. like how do you expect me to be happy. im worried over simply everything. a good breakdown will do me good. and like just cry my heart out. but you know wad. i cant even find a proper place to cry and to be all by myself. how sad that is.

its sad that you are able to cheer people up when they're down but never able to do this to yourself when you're feeling down. correction : it should be how people are able to cheer you up yet you find that you cant do anything to help them.

no one will probably be reading this anyway. dunno why i wrote this here in the first place.

just go away, will you. leave me alone.

happy new year.

2005-02-11T11:12:00.000-07:00

happy new year. happy new year. happy new year. i cant believe new year is like - almost over. yes, i dont think im visiting anymore for this year. and my donation card is hovering at a pathetic $45. ahhh but my dad says that 'you just have to try your best and i'll top up the remaining amt for you' omg. thank you dad. i love my dad. my savior.

i just realised that there is so much i havent done.
- i haven studied history
- chinese portfolio
- some weird tkam thing
- om
oh no. howhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhowhow

sigh. and why am i called a bear. stupid yichan its all your fault. people who call me a bear >.<
- yichan
- yubai
- jiamin
- yiting
- charlotte's sister
- shermaine
- dad
- bro
for now. i hope. dont call me a bear. dont. stop it stop it stop it. >.<

faces

2005-02-07T16:41:00.000-07:00

is this reality. or am i living in a fantasy. i feel like everyone around me is wearing a mask. i dont see the real you. it scares me at how people are able to change totally in such a short span of time. one moment you are so __ but the next moment you are totally different. not that it matters. im already used to it. numb. after all, this isnt the first time.

chinese new year is coming. and i dont see why its such a joyous occasion. i dont seem to be looking forward to it whatsoever. gambling and all those stuff. stuff that i used to enjoy. and blahblah. and ive yet to make the coconut tree for om. by tmr. like ??!?!?! oh well.

reason for existance.

2005-02-03T23:16:00.000-07:00

what is the reason for my existance. i dont know. im a nobody. too insignificant to be of any help or contribution. what am i. nothing. the world would be a much better place to live in without my existance. someone said that ur purpose for living is to bring joy to others. to bring happiness to the world. to bring meaning into your life. have i done anything like that. no. i have been a failure. a terrible one at that. i failed as a friend, as a junior, as a daughter, as a sister, as a student. and when people leave you miss them like mad, but hey, they probably wont even care. who are you to them? who am i to them. nothing. if i were to disappear from the face of this earth, noone will even realise. i dont bring joy. hope. love. whatever. nothing good. do you know how i feel when im with you. no, you are a good friend. a good one. it my fault for being too sensitive. that isnt a good thing. but it isnt a bad thing either. you make me feel like a spare tyre, no, im not even fit to be one. i try so hard but no, i failed. i keep doing things that are not myself and try to be a better person but no, i failed too. do you know hoe tired that feeling is. no of course not. how would you know when everything is smooth-sailing- for you, u've got everything u could ask for, and hey, what am i compared to you? nothing. i smile and smile and pretend that it doesn affect me. im so tired of it. i look at the brighter side and tell myself, hey, im sure someone out there understnads. but no. and do you know how miserable the feeling is of deceiving yourself when the truth is staring at you straight in the eyes. but you choose to close your eyes and head in another direction the truth appears again. i wished that i have never known you. though i appreciate you for the times you were there. waking me up. and talking to me. yes. but perhaps my life would have been a whole lot better if i never knew allt his. if i had never appeared on this earth at all.

twin? aha.

2005-01-29T18:10:00.000-07:00

i heard that i have a twin in sn choir. and i saw her todae. look like meh. i dunno. didnt really get a good look at her anywae. i feel like i dont have an identity. >< im melissa and that is the same as melissa loh. and then i look like someone else. wt. i feel like an imposter. a fake.

aha saw camilia and her bf at orchard road. she was like so shocked to meet us there. and then its like we kept seeing her and after that we met her at long john silver. and i almost choked on my drink. ><

and om. darn. i think we're supposed to finish the storyline by jan. and today is..29th. and its like. we haven really done anything. that is so stupid. not as if im very interested. who's interested to go to america for some stupid thing. ah.

and then now im doing this stupid personal recount for some rosa parks person. abt some racial prejudice thingy. ahh. stupid english. stupid hengkie. stupid everything. its just crap and crap. everything seems stupid this few days. sighh.

my dad's doing spring cleaning. and my house is full of dust. ahhhh

huh.

2005-01-22T20:55:00.000-07:00

are you the weird person, or is it me. i thought we were close. well maybe we arent. it feels weird when u suddenly disappear from the scene while we're all laughing out there when you were actually hiding in the room all by yourself. you come out with your eyes red. were u crying. we ask but u refuse to answer. what do you want us to do. does the problem lie with us, or is it about smth too personal for you to share with us. you make us so confused. u are not one who keeps things to yourself. ur frank arent you. so why are you keeping to urself now. but maybe if u dont wish to say we cant do anything. we're not in a position to say anything rite. i thought we were having fun. i thought. well i just want you to noe that we're here, always, anytime when you need a shoulder to lean on or to cry. i noe u wont be reading this but oh well.

***

and you. i thought you would stay. but its time for you to go again. just when i though you were back. together again. and ur leaving in a day's time. you dont know how much i miss you. well it doesnt matter does it. all those stuff u say about your guard duty or wadeva. and all those things you discuss wif dad. i dont say anything. i never do. but i care. and do you know how worried i am. be careful wif those guns. and those friends of yours. i really do hope that they
are reliable enuf. i cant say anything rite. but do take care. and i will continue to miss you. and continue to await the day when you get back ur freedom. and soar like an eagle. high into the air. but dont forget to fly back.

***

ive been feeling kind of weird these few days. getting upset over every small matter. doesnt matter does it. and i dont really talk abt it do i. i shun from everyone else. all alone in my own world. and bottle up all my own feelings. all by myself. but well im happy this way. im an introvert isnt it. well maybe all the problems and all the faults lie with me. maybe its just all my fault. my own fault.

***

ah. and celine. i hope ur feeling better!! =D take care ya. you brighten up our lives. by a big whole lot. see ya in school!! (:

I MISS YOU!!

2005-01-13T07:45:00.000-07:00

just came back from choir a while ago. and looking forward to choir tmr! ahem. ok. well i was on the bus with tricia. or trisha. oops. how do you spell. well she's a really nice person to talk to. and 1 more person added to the list of seniors i'll be missing. sigh. WHY ARE THEY SEC 4S?? WHY ARE THEY LEAVING SO SOON?? it's great talking to seniors. you learn a lot of stuff. like how they think, and they give you lots of tips. about school. choir. ahaha. oh well.

celine YOU ARE THE FUNKAEST SENIOR ANYONE CAN HAVE!!! aha. and though you're lame but you're cute and a very nice person to talk to. thanks for talking to me when i was so against the whole whole world. if felt great to have someone thinking differently at that point of time. thanks a whole bunch for that =) and thanks for being funkae! *hugs* and you have a really nice voice you know. we love choir becos of you and you're so different from the other seniors (: and you you know how much a admire you for your boldness and forthrightness. and your personality. gawd, what will choir be without you. dont even want to think about it! <3

melissa loh ahaha. we have the same name, and all melissas are nice. hawhaw. you're really really nice and though you are a perfectionist and keep drilling and drilling us we know its for oue own good at the end of the day. and even though you keep giving the impression that you're pissed (well maybe you are) and that you're a great sc and sl. (though sometimes i think you are overly serious but well maybe your position requires you to do so) and im glad to have a senior like you. though sometimes you terrify me. ahaha. you're lame and funny in a nice and cute way. and you make me look forward to choir. (: will miss you loads.

yubai you are so so nice to us and even bought us stuff back from china!! haha. and you're also funny in a cute way (: and you like sunset though i dont really agree with that. ahaha. you were there when we needed you and thanks for you hugs and advice and everything! *hugs*

kaixuan you're nice simply becoz you're so cute!! and you were a great level rep and president!! you made sectionals fun and cute. and becos i also admire you for your really nice voice (: and ur also a nice senior to cuddle. KAIXUAN UR SO CUTE!!! =)

kerryn we had some big big misunderstanding over something so small that wasnt worth it at all. but anywae is all over and you're not shibai or whatever you say about yourself because you're absolutely NOT. and see a lot of pple will miss you too (: thanks for everything you did you really cheered me up alot. =)

tricia sorry if i spelt your name wrongly but i'll always remember you as the senior that pulled me out on the 1st day of choir when seniors were supposed to grab a junior. ahaha. you're so so cute and nice, though you say that you can be serious when you want to but i have my doubts...ahaha. just joking. and you take 74 with me after choir and you're a really nice person to talk to =) and your voice is great great no matter what you say. lovekimberly ahaha you were intimidating when i 1st got to noe ya. that was in sec 1 and then you kept asking me to sing louder and etcetc and u were scary. though you always say that you were not going to eat us up but haha i know you can if u want to. xD and you're a great vice president too (: thanks a whole lot cos you made me feel not so lost as a sec 1.

and all the other sec 4s!!!!

jan. feb. march. april. may. june. that's it? sec 4s are leaving in june isnt it. omg. its scares me to think of how little time we have left as a choir. how can this be?? that's like how many months left only??? ahhhhh IM GOING TO MISS YOU GUYS!!!!sighhh. life still goes on doesnt it. im so sick and tired.

choir?

2005-01-07T19:33:00.000-07:00

hello. here i am again. we had choir todae. magaret and rachel came back!! though i dont really know them..but magaret looked lind of weird in her nus uniform. that green skirt. and i hope they're happy where they are now. (:quite a number of pple came for auditions. ms lim said that we were going to be the guest choir for ntu's concert. on the 19th feb. the day after chinese new year. if i didnt hear wrongly that is. and she said we were going to kl and penang in june. 3rd i tink. WITH HWA CHONG. that means tch too. and because we were a family. family?? -^argh. so most of the sec 4s tot they couldnt go cos of extra lessons on the 1st wk of june. but according to ms lim they could, coz 3rd is a friday and we're leaving in the evening. yay!! i shld be able to go. oh well. actually choir was kind of disappointing. today. well we sounded quite bad. very. well ms lim said that sec 2s and 3s had absolutely no brains without the sec 4s. sounded quite hopeless. and blahblah...and she wasnt very happy. said she was kind of disappointed. comotu. the BIG problem. she said it was too difficult for us. and we sounded the same as during the holidaes. no improvemnt at all. so she said that if we couldnt improve, she would take comotu out. OUT. can you believe that? the thing is, if she takes it out how are we going to learn the new song so quickly?? arghh. and we werent supposed to talk to celine today. but we still did in the end. hawhaw. coz we're nice pple. :) and hmm wad else did ms lim say. lemme tink. oh yar. we're supposed to memorise yoru and comotu by next week. and celine sang kaixuan's part for comotu. and ms lim said what a nice sound. i love celine's voicee!!!! dot. dot. dot. alot of sec 4s werent here today. coz of some re-exam i tink. argh. im beginning to miss them already. and MELISSA LOH. i miss her tooo. i cant believe it. perfectionist melissa. and we're really grateful. thankful. for her being such a perfectionist during sectionals. cos, ms lim said that a2s were very solid during the tan tan boing part. hmm. the timing tt is. hmm. that felt good. whee. -_- well thank you melissa for being such a perfectionist. (:

argh.

2005-01-06T10:10:00.000-07:00

ok. im in comp lab 2 now. for wad? printing some stupid maths worksheet. yuk. its recess. but oh well. there's choir later. and todae is a THURSDAY. i cant believe it. i prefer last year. last year, when we had great teachers, and it was totally great being a sec 1. now, sec 2s dont seem like sec 3s. and sec 3s dont look like sec 4s. oh well. and it looks weird seeing sec 1s with red name tags. arghhh..i miss being a sec 1. where u can get excused cos of everything. and those sec 1 babies this year got to stay at the hall while we stood in the quadrangle when it was raining. oh well. and we're like the only batch left that is not in ip. not that i want to go anyway. but i guess i'll go if i can get in. yichan is beside me now. ohman i like the sound of this keyboard -_- ok smth's wrong with me. i cant believe choir is on thursday. i still prefer it on saturdays. argh. i miss 2003!!!! argh. anywae. im an angel!! -_- oh well. this year's sec 1 batch is like so damn quiet. not fun at all.and we had cca day yesterday. i tot we were quite ok. not the performance. but that going round the school thingy. my friend said that she talked to some sec 1s and they said choir pple were scary. SCARY. did i hear wrongly. we're a great fun bunch of pple. hawhaw. ok. the time now is 10.08. i tink ive gtg. bye bye. i still have cme art, chinese, project work...blahblahblah. its so sian lor. in sch with terrible teachers. and not as if i look forward to going home. its equally sian. wad do u want to do at home? hw? study?! wait for tmr to come??!! argh. what kind of life is this. i dont have a choice do i. oh well.

omg.

2004-12-31T11:17:00.000-07:00

i cant believe it. its happening too quickly. why? WHY??!?!?! tell me. why is it happening so soon?? omgomgomgomg. tell me that this is not the truth. tell me. tell me that things will be like that forever and ever. TELL ME THAT SCHOOL IS NOT REOPENING IN 3 DAYS. WTF. my days of freedom are numbered. arghhhh....i cant believe theres spring cleaning on the 1st dae of school. what a very very bad start of a new year. yukyukyuk. come to think of it. there's still so much that i was supposed to do. supposed to do. and i haven done. a whole load of stuff. things that i promised myself that i'll do. im such a bloody procrastinator >.< oh well.

new year resolutions :

1) stop being a procrastinator AND START DOING THINGS I NEED TO DO
2) stop slacking. >.<
3) sing louder during choir xD
4) spend less time on this bloddy comp
5) be more serious in hw >.<
6) improve on chinese and english and maths and science and blah blah blah
7) get my priorities right.
8) get into ip?? im not sure abt this.

oh well. i guess there's still a whole whole lot more. im going to miss 2004. being a juniorest of juniors. everything. treasure the last few days u have left. and happy new year. xD hoho.

3 more days left of freedom.

sigh.

HOHO!

2004-12-29T05:24:00.000-07:00

HOHO IM BACK!!! -_- not as if it matters anywae. its kinda great to be back in s'pore. safe and sound. im glad i wasnt swept away by tsunamis in thailand. its feels great to be alive. oh well. actually i'd rather be a tourist in a foreign land. i tink i prefer thailand to s'pore. its a total different experience. oh well. i tink i put on so much weight. i feel like a pig. a great big fat pig. but the food in thai's really really great. the thing is, almost after you burn away the calories u eat them back. sigh. its not tt easy to lose weight isnt it. i want to lose weight. i need to lose weight. sigh. i miss the hotel. i miss everything. and i dont want to come back. but still i had to. and now im back. found out that :
1. i love the sea
2. seawater in s'pore is so disgustingly dirty
3. sand in s'pore is finer. hoho.
really had lots of fun. i wish i didnt come back so soon. thai pple are really really nice. very. friendly and approachable. unlike...well u shld noe. and i was kinda dismayed to see so many s'poreans at the airport. swarms and swarms. was realli disgusted they're behavior. oh well. im a singaporean too isnt it. and i ought to be proud. oh well. all good things have to come to an end. and when smth ends, another thing will start. in this case. end of hols = start or sch. sigh.
and yes. we had farewell party for sec 4s todae. thanks to celine and sylvia for planning all this stuff for us. hoho. kinda tiring. in fact very. but still thank you for a wonderful day. at least we bonded, didnt we. ahem. walked and walked. frm nie to nyps. frm nyps to botanical gardens. frm bg to tch. frm tch to coro. frm coro to 6th avenue. the wrong location. shld have been bktm plaza. sigh. didnt feel like continuing. and it was time. so we went back. sigh. all tired, thirsty, hungry, sweaty blah blah blah. >.< but thanks still, for the effort put in. (:

and btw. sch reopens in : 5 days.
sigh.

merry christmas!

2004-12-23T15:56:00.000-07:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! :p hoho.

bleh.

2004-12-19T16:42:00.000-07:00

i went sentosa today. not again. it sure brings back unhappy memories. was supposed to be fun wasnt it. dont think im being miserable. because im not. its not worth it. for me to be miserable over smth not worth being miserable over. im sick of that. i dont know how is should be feeling. ok maybe i should be happy. and start deceiving myself. nothing happened isnt it??? as if. i think im just wasting a whole whole big lot of time over this stupid thing. you try to make it sound nice, but i dunno. still up to now i still dunno what i did. a whole lot of reasoning. blah blah blah. i wonder how long it'll take to sink in. im really kind of tired abt the whole thing. exhausted. i wish i could get away frm all of this. just run away. fall asleep and never wake up. never again. we try and try but it doesnt help. maybe we should just keep trying and trying. try and try. i wonder if it helps. and i dunno if i have the patience. i told you we werent good juniors. maybe you should just believe me now.

its all about respect.

2004-12-16T14:37:00.000-07:00

its all about respect, isnt it? wad did i do? i know and i understand. but if you refuse to tell me wad we did it just wont help at all. just take it as im a shallow person and i dont know wad's wrong. im not smart enough to know. and stop blaming yourself because it is not your fault. im so tired of everything. im feeling so numb. i dont want to care about anything anymore and im not. im so sick of worrying over everything. everything. even things that im not supposed to be worried over. thats the cruel fact of life isnt it? one moment it makes you feel so accomplished and then the next moment you feel like you've lost everything. you think it doesnt affect me but it does. but i dont want to care. does it help? no.

wads the point?

2004-12-15T20:44:00.000-07:00

things are happening so quickly i cant catch up. maybe im the one that's moving slowly. everything seems to be going so so wrong these few days. im feeling so empty. i feel so disgusted by the way some pple treat you. there's absolutely no point getting frustrated over things you shldnt be. i dont see the point of being someone else in front of others. anyway, does it even matter? absolutely NOT. life is short. so you should just be yourself these few decades and feel happy and comfortable. its not an easy thing, but wad's the point if you're not yourself? you go round and round the bush, and in the end what have you got? you lose yourself. your identity. everything. for goodness sake, is this your life or someone else's?? you live for yourself and not for the sake of others. other pple have got their own life to live, and do you think they even bother?? no. i find this world so hard to trust and i wont trust anyone that easily anymore. i dont believe in miracles. i dont believe in dreams. i dont believe in anything.